Last Saturday morning started as most Saturday mornings do with my usual phone conversation with my sister, either she calls me or I call her each Saturday morning. I so look forward to catching up with how her week went, what her antics her granddaughter has been up to, hearing about how the new grand-puppies are growing - - she in turn gets the run of what has gone on around our house and just spending time laughing about this and that together.

Over the past few years our Saturday morning conversations have had a few tougher topics sprinkled in here and there: Our mother had a massive stroke in August of 2001. After years of dialysis our brother had a kidney transplant in December of 2001. In August of 2003 our parents moved nearer to my husband and I so that they could be taken care on a daily basis. In August of 2004 our parents were moved to a care center and 30 short days later our father died. Life changes and we have done the best to deal with these changes. Now we are facing yet another tough and heartbreaking change.

Our brother's health has continued to decline over the past few years. Although the transplant was a success he has many other health issues that have slowly over time eaten away at his body. He has never known, for even one single day of his 56 years of life, what a healthy body is. He was not a healthy child and that has carried over into his adult life. He has taken care of himself to the best of his ability and has had a wonderful team of Doctor's who have done wonders. But those things are no longer enough.

Saturday after I hung up from my hour long yak-session with my sister the phone rang again, it was my brother. He called to tell me that his medical team let him know this past week that they cannot do anything more for him. They have done all they can do. He cried, I cried, he cried some more, I bawled. It was the phone call I knew someday I would get, as time has gone on I knew this call would come sooner than I would be ready for it to come, we knew his medical team had been grasping for various things that "might" help, that "maybe" the trick and we knew that eventually he would get the news that there was no more that could be done. My heart is broken beyond words, literally.

After we talked for awhile about everything and nothing at all we hung up...and I called my sister back. She is so strong. She and my brother have a unique relationship, they are closer in age, they live closer to each other, have more in common and they stay in touch better than he and I. I am the one who was falling apart, once again she was my strength. I hate being weak, but I hate hurting more...and we are all hurting now.

This isn't going to get any easier, my mother also received that call on Saturday morning, just before I did. She is so sad. Parents aren't suppose to have to go through this with their children. It is hard to watch knowing she will never be able to say the things she wants to say to him (she has not spoken since her stroke), knowing that she would be with him in a heartbeat...if only she could, knowing that she still grieves the passing of my father just over a year ago. It is really hard knowing what the future holds but it is so painful when I add the reality of my mother's situation into the mix.

There are no words to our pain...none at all.